


Dust in the Wind

by goodisrelative



Category: Doctor Who
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-27
Updated: 2009-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-05 08:41:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/39820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodisrelative/pseuds/goodisrelative
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Snippets of time, separated by lyrics, convey the thoughts of each.</em>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dust in the Wind

**Doctor Who Fic: Dust in the Wind (9/Rose, Ten-Rose friendship)**

Title: Dust in the Wind  
Author: Goodisrelative  
Rating: PG  
Pairing: Nine/Rose, Ten-Rose friendship and just a touch of Jack.  
Spoilers: Through Parting of the Ways  
Summary: _Snippets of time, separated by lyrics, convey the thoughts of each._  
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who (that's the BBC and Russel T. Davies) or any of the songs quoted throughout this story. There is a song list at the end of the story.  
A/N0: I wrote this long before Doomsday or even the rumours of Billie Piper's departure.

* * *

  
A/N1: Have you ever heard a song and had your mind flash pictures of a pairing? Or have you seen a fanvid and had the lyrics permanently etched to the scene the creator chose for those lyrics? I know I have. _The Beauty of the Rain_ is one such video and song. _Goodbye, My Lover_ is another.

_Sometime you wonder what you love her for_1 will always be a scene from Father's Day where Nine watches Rose run and save her father and then the look Nine gives her when he leaves her dad's place.

_Or scared you'd have to change yourself…But you watch the phone and hope it rings, you'll take her anyway she sings or how she calls the beauty of the rain_1 is him calling her at the end of World War Three and telling her he doesn't do domestic and he was leaving with or without her.

Music is an important part of my life… it changes moods, brings memories to the present, cements feelings. I would go insane without music. Some songs are just passing fancies that are fun to listen to for a moment… others stay with you like friends for all of life, no matter if you never hear them again.

In this story, I use lyrics that capture the scene as point of view and time shift. The lyrics set the scene for the words that follow, connecting snapshots of thoughts and weaving a story. Much the way a fanvid creator chooses scenes from episodes to create the video, I pick and choose bits of songs to create the story. I hope the picture the lyrics help to paint is as clear to you as it is to me. For reference, I have only watched through The Christmas Invasion… but there is so much speculation as to Rose leaving, and because I do think it will happen one day, my thoughts on that do end up here.

A/N2: Thanks, as always to my betas, [](http://thekatebeyond.livejournal.com/profile)[**thekatebeyond**](http://thekatebeyond.livejournal.com/) and [](http://pixie-on-acid.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://pixie-on-acid.livejournal.com/)**pixie_on_acid** And thanks to Pixie for the html coding for the footnotes! They are clickable thanks to her! :-)

* * *

 

_You know the light is fading all too soon… you don't know the next thing you will say…_ 1  
_Sometimes it will be too late; sometimes it won't be fair. _ 2

He doesn't know what to tell her and that's never happened before. He can't tell her the truth – he won't let that be her last memory of him. He won't have her thinking she caused something like this. Because it isn't her fault at all. He always underestimates her determination and bravery. He can't fathom it… undone, out-thought by a silly ape of a human, a child at that. Nine hundred years, nine existences and he's beaten by a nineteen-year-old girl.

He wants to scream at the unfairness of it all. There was so much he meant to tell her, to show her. And now there isn't any time left. This has to be the biggest cosmic joke of all. He, the Last Time Lord, Regeneration Nine, is out of time.

He hasn't prepared her for this. Hadn't thought it necessary. Hadn't thought he'd see her again once he sent her way. He had wanted her safe, spared the pain of all of this. Yet, somehow everything he tries to do ends like this – more wrong than he can explain, more pain than he can handle.

He hasn't told her about regeneration and now he doesn't have the time. He doesn't have the time to tell her he's sorry about it all or that she's the bravest person he's ever met. How strong she is, how she faces everything and anything, and how much he doesn't deserve her and yet loves her. She saved him – more times than he has returned the favor. She made him live again and she took the Vortex for him, never stopping to consider the consequences. She never does think of what could happen, just does what she knows in her single heart is right. And that is something he will never understand, yet loves in her.

But it's all over and he's not there anymore. Someone with his memories but none of his feelings stands in his place, and she can't understand what he's never told her.

 

_You were just here; you were just holding me. I was all right. I never would have believed that you would go away, that you could just disappear, when you were just here. _ 3

What's happened? What's happening? I can't remember and it's killing me. Whatever it is, it's horrible, and he won't tell me, and oh my God, what's happening to us? It's not supposed to be like this! I saved him. I came back and he's fine. Why can't I remember? There was light, and now it's all black and he's hiding something from me.

He's glowing now and he can't tell me… it's no longer a question of won't because he can't say anything anymore. There is just all this golden light that is somehow familiar. He's the Doctor, the last Time Lord… he can't die… can he?

This is all wrong. He sent me away but I came back to save him. The Daleks are gone… aren't they? God, nothing's right, and what I can't remember is the most important thing there is! He's dying right before my eyes. What am I supposed to do now? I can't go home – even if I knew how to fly the TARDIS, I can't take that life anymore. He's shown me so much more and there is so much left to see. How can I see it without him?

Is it my fault this is happening? It has to be. I've done something wrong; now he's dying and I can't stop it. How am I supposed to go on living if he's gone? Can't he see how much I love him? Life can't exist without him. I never told him. I thought I'd have the chance one day when I could convince him that it was okay. But that's gone now.

Who is this standing in front of me with the Doctor's clothes on?

 

_Farewell to the old me. Farewell to the old me. My life is working better now. It all was changing anyhow. Time, and the old me. Farewell to the old me. Farewell. _ 4

He's adjusting to this new body, feeling all the kinks and newness that accompany a regeneration. New teeth, new hair… a mole!

But she's looking at him, wondering who the hell he is and he can still read her thoughts on her open face. His new body can't be cataloged now. Now he has to deal with the disaster his former self left him.

What the hell had the bloke been thinking, not telling her about regeneration?!

But then memories are swamping him, and he _knows_. He knows why his former self didn't tell her, but he's not him and he doesn't have the same feelings, at least not yet.

So he tells her and watches her work it all through. The pain in her eyes hurts him and he realizes that he may not feel the same, but he does feel something. This girl looked into the TARDIS to save him – well, his former self – and no one's ever done that for anyone, least of all him.

He's got to convince her that he's the Doctor still, just a bit different. But things are starting to go wrong… so he rushes to get things out before it's too late, trying not to scare her more, but his mind is ripping and he can't keep everything together.

He knows he's succeeded in getting her to start believing he's the Doctor, but then they're crashing and he's outside and then it's all black.

 

_But it's so hard to let you go now. All that could have been. I'll always have the memories… Fate has a way of changing just when you don't want it to. _ 2

She doesn't go into the Wardrobe very often and when she does she never looks around. It's been some time now, since the change. She wishes she could catalog the time properly… she sighs. There is no _properly_. She amends her thought, wishing she could catalog the time by way of Earth measurements, but this is the TARDIS and there is no such thing as mundane as time.

After all, they are outside of time, so really, how can one measure in increments of time? There are no days or months or years because there is no planet turning under foot, no moon to revolve around the planet, nor sun for the planet to revolve around.

Once in a while, when she's caught in the past, she hates it. Hates not knowing what day it is back in a world, in a time, she can't call home anymore. The TARDIS is home, but it's different now that he's gone and changed. She likes the one he is now, but sometimes she remembers the past and grieves for a time that doesn't exist.

When she's cleaning to forget, she finds his jacket and the tears come. She misses him more than words can say. She wants him back so much it hurts. But all she has is memories and regrets of things she should have said.

 

_In my head, I keep on looking back, right back to the start … What if I had never let you go? Would you be the man I used to know? … If only we could turn the hands of time. If I could take it back would you still be mine? … But I guess we'll never know. _ 5

More time has passed and Rose wonders if he, the current Doctor, knows she stole the jacket. Is it really stealing if it's still on the TARDIS?

She's quieter than she was before. She thinks about what could happen before she acts – a lot of the time. She thinks he's proud of how she's grown. She hopes deep inside her heart that _he_ would be proud, too.

She's better at hiding what she feels now and knows he wonders at that. She hides a lot from him. He's still the Doctor, after all, and she can't bring herself to hurt him. She knows her thoughts would when she remembers a past he knows but doesn't feel.

It's been long enough now. She's come to terms with why she can't go back, but it doesn't stop the wondering or the tears. She's better at not thinking about it all the time, about waiting until she's hidden in her room, a place he still doesn't enter.

She keeps her speculations and thoughts about how she could have done things differently locked deep inside her heart, where she rarely lets the light of any world touch it. It's her secret, one she'll keep for all eternity because she can't hurt this Doctor anymore than she could the last.

The never knowing eats at her soul, just as knowing she was at fault for changing him does. It's a part she tries to forget, to repress, and she knows that it's how the previous Doctor tried to deal with the Time War and what he had to do. Rose knows she'd never change what she did to get back to his side, but she wishes she could have seen a different way for it to end. She has a closer tie to the TARDIS now, but even she won't tell Rose of a way she could have done it all differently.

So she lives with her guilt and her questions and her wonderings, keeping them out of her eyes so she can be the woman the Doctor sees and not the woman she sometimes feels she is. She knows the consequences of time now and she won't go back and risk the Daleks' success for her own heart. If he could live with his decisions from the Time War, she can live with hers from the Vortex.

 

_I want you to be happy, my best friend. … I won't give up, I won't give in. I can't recreate what just might have been. _ 2

She's much better at hiding her thoughts and feelings now. He blames the regeneration, because he can't accept that his former self had a connection with Rose that eludes him. They are the same person, but not.

Even so, he knows, deep inside his new bones that are getting old now that she still cries for his past self. She hasn't let that one go and he doesn't need the connection he's lost to know that she cries and grieves. She hides it well. He never sees the symptoms of her tears. She never has swollen, red eyes or tracks of tears cried staining her porcelain face, but he knows.

Because even though she's better at hiding her thoughts and feelings, he can see the hidden depths that he can't touch in her eyes. Sometimes when the light on whatever planet they are on is right, he can see her crying for a self he can never get back. He can do anything, give her anything, show her anything; but he can't do that. It hurts him like an arrow to the heart.

It amazes him how strong she is, because she never asks about the possibilities or what could be. He knows she wants him back, but with her character and strength, she never asks… not even with her eyes when she cries. He loves her for that, but it's not the same as before.

It makes him feel helpless, though, and that's something he's only ever been once before. He doesn't want to be ever again, either. He was helpless when he let Gallifrey burn and he's helpless when he sees her soul crying in the light of a world neither is from. He almost hates her for making him feel like this again, but he hates himself more. Because she would have died for him – the old him – if he had let her. And she would even for this version too, if she had to.

And for that he loves her as best he can, even knowing it isn't enough. So, he lets her cry in quiet peace, never letting on that he knows, and he'll never ask for the jacket she has buried deep in a drawer in her room.

 

_It may well be that we may never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part, so much of me is made up of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart. And know whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend. _ 6

He's always known this day would come. The life they've led has taken its toll and she can't hide everything anymore. It's past time she needed to hide when she cries from him, but he's never told her that. He can't keep her anymore; it's hurting them both too much to even try and change it. It's been years – he's had five and his past self had almost two. He's grateful for what he had and sets the course for where and when Jack is now.

He's glad he's had her for the time he has, because she has changed him in so many ways beyond the obvious regeneration. He can live with his past decisions now, instead of not dealing with them. He has a will to live, something she gave his past self and even him.

He's a better Time Lord, a better male because she was with him. She never let him get away with things, forced him to see consequences he never cared about before. He's learned to check back on things to avert disaster in the future. He can spend part of a day unhaunted by the past now.

Her destination, though, surprises him. She doesn't want to go home. She wants to go to Jack. He knows it's not because she is in love with him. Her heart is held by the alien he once was, he is sure of that. She never would have left the alien he once was.

He asked her why, and smiles at her answer. He should have known. She can't give up the adventure and the fight, but neither can she live this crazy life anymore. She'd go insane from boredom inside three days back in her own time, with no one to talk about anything she's witnessed with him. So she chooses Jack. She trusts them both to understand and make it work.

He hopes she has a good life and finds love again, with someone she can spend her life with. She deserves that. He can't tell her what he wants to say, but he slips a letter into her bag when she steps through the TARDIS door for the last time.

 

_I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn and we are linked to those who help us most to grow, if we let them and we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. _ 6

The decision is as hard as it was easy. She'd always known when and where she'd go when this time came. But it was still hard to leave him. He had been her whole world for years now. And when she started this journey to the stars, she'd never once considered leaving him. But so much had changed since that day, it wasn't fair to judge her on past decisions made before she knew what the future held. She no longer consciously wishes for things to be different. She's had time to get used to the way it is.

She's going to miss the Doctor and the TARDIS. The new worlds and new people and new sights. But she's tired of running. She's tired of being captured and relying on her wits and the Doctor to escape. She's just plain tired. She doesn't want to spend her life on the run anymore and she knows they are always running within five minutes of arriving in some new world or time.

She's learned so much from the Doctor, it sometimes amazes her that her brain doesn't explode from all the knowledge she possesses. The knowledge of other worlds is tempered, though, by worlds she knows of that no longer exist. He's told her over time of Gallifrey. Little things and big things, memories and feelings. It's made the planet real to her and she loves him for that.

She loves him, this second of her Doctors. Not in the same way, but she does love him. And she tells him in little ways, but never words. She's left a note for him on the desk in his room.

She knows the TARDIS will steer him to it once she's gone. She's said her goodbyes to the TARDIS. Rose will miss her presence in her mind.

She just prays the Doctor will be safe. She'll never stop worrying about him. He needs to find someone soon to watch out for him. She's glad she's not in charge of finding someone to replace her because she knows she never will and if she tried, she'd stay here forever. It's time she left; time for new blood. She's done what was needed and more and it's just time.

She hugs him hard and they both hold on longer than necessary, but then they let go. She smiles brightly at him and knows he sees it finally reaches her eyes. "I'll miss you, Doctor." She whispers and steps out of the TARDIS with her bags on her back and in her hands.

Jack's there to greet her and she knows she was right. And then she sees the woman and turns back to the Doctor and nods her head. It seems it was her job after all to find the next and she just _knows_ it's right, too.

 

_And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness for the things I've done you blame me for. But then I guess there's blame to share. And none of it seems to matter anymore … Who can say if I've been changed for the better, I do believe I have been changed for the better … because I knew you, I have been changed for good._ 6

She found the note when he found his.

Rose-

I'm sorry I could never give you the one thing you desired and deserved. He did it all for you, though. I know you know that. But he loved you like I never could. I'm glad for the years I had you and I'm sorry you had him for such a short time. You were the best of us. You made us whole, changing us, healing us.  
You deserve more; you deserve the best. You are the best we've ever known. I loved you the only way I could. I hope you knew that, and at least you know that now.

Let your heart fall again. Find the love you never had the chance to have, and this time have it. He'd want that, you know. He saved you because you saved him, and because it was never a choice for him.

I and my future selves will never forget all that you are, all that you were, and all you did for me and for him.

Take care and try not to change much, darling Rose. You are the best in all time and space. Remember him, but celebrate him too, Rose. It's time for you to live again.

Love always,

The Doctor.

 

Doctor-

I'll never forget you. You've shown me the worlds, time and space. I have learned so much from you and the one before you. I wish I could spare you the pain of parting. It's what makes it so hard to leave, knowing it hurts you. You deserve happiness after all you've done and seen.

Remember to be happy once in a while. Smile when you think of me. I will do the same when I think of you. Remember even if you are the Great Know-It-All, the rest of us know things too and can surprise you. Lower life forms aren't always bad.

I know one day you will find someone new. Treat her with respect and let her argue with you. She'll be right more than you want to admit. Show her the world, but remember to take a few vacations too. Adventure isn't always what it is cracked up to be. Sometimes a nice peaceful place is best.

I hope you know I love you. You are the best man I have ever met and no one in time or space will ever change that.

Always,

Your Rose

_There's the wind and the rain, and the mercy of the fallen, who say they have no claim to know what's right. There's the weak and the strong and the many stars that guide us. We have some of them inside us._7__

__1 The Beauty of the Rain by Dar Williams  
2 . .  I'll Be Okay by Amanda Marshall  
3 You were just here by Jo Dee Messina  
4 Farewell to the Old Me by Dar Williams  
5 What If by Kate Winslet  
6 . [.](fr10) For the Good, from the musical Wicked, sung by Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth  
7 Mercy of the Fallen by Dar Williams  



End file.
